Lawyer Jokes and Videos: We All Can Use A Laugh About Now
Published On: October 5, 2008
With the election nearing, the economy in the dumper and too much acrimony for the American heart and soul to withstand, I think that some self-deprecating lawyer jokes are in order:
A Lawyer and the Pope Arrive at the Gates of Heaven
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”
A Lawyer, A Doctor and a Clergyman — and $30,000
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most -his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.” All three agreed to & this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to & this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.’ The physician then said, Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to & that.” The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.’
Questions and Answers
Question: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? Answer: A f***ing know-it-all.
Question: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? Answer: A great place to start.
Question: What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? Answer: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Question: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex? Answer Because it’s all bad and some is worse.